and
MY ATTEMPT TO ANSWER THEM
By: Ned Opdyke
February 2013 ~ May 2014
THE QUESTIONS:
1 -
Why am I here?
2 - What am I here to learn?
3 -
Why do I try so hard to make people like me?
4 -
Why do I act like a clown sometimes?
5 -
Why am I insecure?
6 - Why do I need a soul mate in my life?
7 -
What makes me so special ~ different from everyone else?
8 -
What is it that ‘really’ makes me happy?
9 - What do I want people to remember about me
when I’m gone?
10 -
How have I changed over the last 10 years?
11 -
Why do I feel awkward when things are going good for me?
12 -
Why am I afraid to develop the spiritual side of me?
1 - Why am I here?
The answers I’ve heard from people about this question
range from the supremely egotistical, “Humans are the ultimate expression of
God,” to the incredibly meek, “We are like ants, scratching out a life in the
sand.”
Personally, I believe that both ends of the scale are
valid and correct.
For most of my life I was too busy trying to enjoy my
life to really put too much thought into this question. Then it struck me… that’s it… !!
The reason I was put on this planet was to simply
enjoy and appreciate my life and to help other people enjoy and appreciate
their lives too.
Love, beauty, and happiness are around us at all
times. It is only our over involvement
in our own close-minded and mundane thoughts, behaviors, and actions, that keep
us from seeing it and letting it penetrate our awareness.
2 - What am I here to learn?
My first wife’s father was a soft spoken and gentle
man. He didn’t really like to take
center stage and preferred to sit back and watch what was going on around
him. And then… just when you thought he
might have been ready to fall asleep, he would very quietly say something very
profound. That’s what I would like to
learn how to do.
My default mode of passing along my (so called)
wisdom, has been to shout it out to as many people as could hear me in my
vicinity, even if they didn’t ask for my opinion or input. I would like to learn how to hold on to my thoughts
and keep them to myself. To only express
them when asked, or when it was obvious that it was appropriate to speak.
There is not a doubt in the world to me that I have
worthwhile life knowledge and the ability to communicate this knowledge. My goal is to be comfortable with this
knowledge within myself and not feel the requirement to share it with any and
everyone who crosses my path, and to give others their own space and not feel
the urge to ‘help’ them all the time.
Sometimes people don't want, or aren't ready to be
helped, and sometimes... guess what?...
They don't need any help!
3 - Why do I try so hard to make people like me?
The next three questions all tie in together for
me. I’m sure it’s my insecurity that
causes me to draw attention to myself in my attempt to gain recognition and self
worth.
I know in my heart I’m a good person, but I also know
there are aspects to my consciousness that lean more toward the ‘not so
good.’ I have always been a visceral and
tactile person and have spent way too many years (mostly in my past) searching
for gratification in a purely (let’s say) animalistic way. I accept my ‘human’ nature, and try to
embrace it, but sometimes I feel guilty for succumbing to my sexual desires.
It is this guilt, I believe, that makes me want to act
out in a way that shows people that there is more to me than just that. I tend to overcompensate and overpower people
in my efforts to prove myself… to myself! Other people wouldn’t necessarily think twice about
some of my actions or statements, and I know it’s this self-doubt that I carry
inside that is the real problem.
Opening my heart and exposing it (even to myself) is
terrifying to me. I’m afraid of finding
that the dark part in there is a bigger part of me than what I want to believe.
Trying to find people who will support me and like me
is a way for me to keep my fear abated.
4 - Why do I act like a clown sometimes?
In my effort to help people be happy and enjoy
themselves, sometimes I go too far.
Sometimes I get over exuberant and get carried away with the attention I
am getting.
As I mentioned previously, I’m sure a large part of
this is based on my insecurity and self-doubt.
If people are smiling and laughing at me, I must be a good guy,
right? Not necessarily.
Sometimes the people are laughing ‘at’ me and not ‘with’
me. I’ve seen the look in their eyes…
sometimes they don’t wait for me to turn my head away before they roll their
eyes back into their heads. Overcompensation
due to a feeling of inadequacy is a likely answer to this question.
5 - Why am I insecure?
So here it is… the first really difficult question for
me. Not because of the answer I’m about
to face, but because of the fact that I honestly cannot come up with any kind
of an answer whatsoever. I’m smart, I’m good looking, I’m good in bed… I
seriously cannot figure out why I have always had doubts about myself.
The only thing I can come up with is that I’m
embarrassed because I’m such an underachiever.
I’ve always had the inner belief inside me that I’m supposed to provide
something of substance and importance to this world, and… alas… I’ve done
virtually nothing.
Sure, as a general contractor I’ve provided several
hundred people beautiful additions to their homes. And now as a tour guide, I’ve brought smiles
and laughter to thousands and thousands of more people, but… I cannot help but
believe that there was (is?) something else I’m supposed to do while I’m here.
Maybe if I can figure out the answer to that question,
I’ll figure out the answer to my insecurity (?).
6 - Why do I need a soul mate in my life?
When I was a young teenager I was introduced to the
writings of Richard Bach… first “Jonathon Livingston Seagull,” and then several
others. The book of his that made the
biggest impression on me was “One.” In
it, he spoke of the concept of two people combining themselves into something
greater than the sum of their individual selves; the concept of 1 + 1 = 3.
I fell in love with the thought that I would find the
one person on this planet that I could combine myself with, and create
something beautiful together. Over the following years (and failed marriages), I’ve
modified my dream substantially. My soul
mate doesn’t make me something I’m not, nor do we lose our individuality as we
grow, teach, and learn from each other.
Not only that, but I learned that it was the lack of
belief in me as a complete individual that kept me from finding that person. Once I changed my focus and stopped trying to
find someone to help me become a better person… she appeared!
7 - What makes
me so special~different from everyone else?
We are all made of the same substance(s). We are all stardust. As far as we can determine so far, the
universe goes on and on forever, with an infinite number of stars. Therefor, although we are all made of the
same elements, we truly are all different, special, unique, and most
importantly... infinite.
We are each soul, a spark of energy that came from…
“God”… “A Higher Power”… or any other name, term, or concept you wish to
use. We are each currently inhabiting a
particular body, and we are here for one reason, and one reason alone; to learn, to grow, to appreciate, and to
enjoy the process.
Celebrating the diversity is the key. Don’t try to put yourself or anyone else on a
scale, measuring or comparing against, with, or to, anyone else. Yes, we all are different, and… guess what… we are all
correct in our beliefs.
I know this doesn’t really answer my question, but the
harder I try to answer it, the further away I get.
We are all special and different because we are all
special and different.
8 - What is it that ‘really’ makes me happy?
This is another tough one for me. I’ve always been the type of person that is
always looking for that next mountain to climb, the next challenge to face, the
next activity to make me smile.
For a while, golf made me happy; the inner challenge,
coupled with the camaraderie and the time spent in a beautiful outdoor
setting. Lately it’s been motorcycle
riding… specifically long road trips across the open country.
But when I get right down to it… the thing that really
makes me happy isn’t an activity as much as it is a situation. I experience the most happiness when I see
somebody else having fun. An expression
of joy, excitement, and happiness on someone else’s face fills me with love and
appreciation for life.
9 - What do I
want people to remember about me when I’m gone?
I would like people to think of me with a question
mark in their eyes. I like the part of
me that surprises people and makes them wonder what it is that I’m thinking,
and then… hopefully… makes them think about themselves and the world around
them differently.
It seems to me that a lot of people are in a walking
slumber. I see a lot of people every day
with eyes that don’t seem to have any real life or a sense of interest about
where they are, or what they’re doing.
It’s so refreshing to me, to see someone who has eyes
that are reaching out and connecting with other people. It’s that joy of life that I mentioned in my
last question that comes to mind.
I would like people to remember me as someone who
enjoyed life, no matter what type of a situation he was in; someone who had an
easy smile, and who listened to others when they spoke. Someone who liked to do favors for people, and
wasn’t shy about asking for help when he needed it.
But mostly, I would like to be remembered as someone
who loved; people, places, things…
someone who just loved the principle of love.
10 - How have I changed over the last 10 years?
Quite a bit actually; ten years ago I was recently
divorced from my second wife, and going through a mid-life crisis. I’d hooked up with a beautiful blonde
bombshell, and was spending almost all my time drinking and playing. The economy was starting to slow down, but I
wasn’t. I was living my life like I was
a teenager without any cares, responsibilities, or self-control.
At the time, I thought I was fine… just having fun,
and wasn’t concerned about what the future had in store for me. I was living in the present, but not in a
good way.
Now, besides having another beautiful blonde bombshell
and a motorcycle in my life, I’m a totally different person. I (try to) remember to think before I speak;
care about other people’s feelings; and drink alcohol in a much more moderate
fashion.
And guess what?
Now I’m having as much fun (or more) than I ever have!
- - -
long pause - - -
It’s taken me over a year to come back to this list of
questions. These last two have continued
to stump me, but I feel it’s time I made an attempt to address them, so I can
share this list with my loved ones.
11 - Why do I
feel awkward when things go good for me?
I can only think of two reasons: 1) I’m
afraid the situation won’t last and I’ll be disappointed when things go ‘back
to normal.’ And 2) … ok, I guess I can only think of one reason.
It appears I ‘talk the talk’ of living in the present
and being grateful for what I have, but alas… I must admit it’s only a
façade. I guess in a way, at heart I’m greedy. The thought of never having a reason to
endeavor… to strive for something… seems like a slow death for me.
And what makes this whole topic kinda funny (in a sad
way) is that I know in my heart, that the thing that I MUST strive and endeavor
to reach is… so simple and close to me.
Why is it so difficult for me to relax?
I guess there’s more than twelve questions to this list…
12 - Why am I afraid to develop the spiritual
side of me?
This goes back to my early teen years. My parents exposed me to a technique called
“Alpha Perception,” and my experience with this ‘practice’ scared the shit
outta me. It absolutely proved to me,
without any doubt, the potential ‘power’ of the human mind. I experienced a sort of ‘out of body’
feeling, where I felt like I was every-where in the Universe, and no-where, at
the same time. I felt more fully alive
than every before, and totally disconnected to anything close to life,
simultaneously. It was very unsettling
to me, to put it mildly.
I realized that I had ‘the power’ inside me, to create
and accomplish anything I ever wanted or could ever dream of wanting. It was kinda like a feeling of omnipotence…
like touching God. No… more like being
God.
Now, after all the years of hiding from this… reading
the philosophical teachings of many ‘masters,’ and consciously understanding
the concept that we are, all, God… it still frightens me. I’m sure it goes back to my self doubt. I’m afraid I’ll be corrupted by the ‘power’ I
have inside me… that I’ll abuse and waste it like I’ve abused and wasted
everything else in my life.
Thank you for reading this
