As with all my stories, this one is primarily for me. As I grow older than I ever dreamed I'd be,
I've begun to realize that if I don't make an effort to document the important
things about me… some of my thoughts… and some of the things that I believe are
important about me, that there is a very good chance that after the people that
have had the opportunity to get to know me are gone, so will I be.
I am the third generation in my
family to be a residential general contractor.
I have done nothing else in my life as a source of income. I always wished I could figure out how to
make money off my charm and good looks, but alas… my innate sincerity has
always kept me from being able to take advantage of people. As with the empathetic abilities I got from mother,
I call it a blessing and a curse. I have
always been very grateful of my parents for instilling a foundation of respect
in me. I don't always make it obvious,
but I really do care about people.
When I was a child, I decided I wanted to be different from
everyone else. Something inside me told
me that I was special. Most likely it was (and still is) my ego
fighting back my human insecurities and self-doubts. Whatever the reason, it is my wish to be
remembered. Mostly the good parts of me,
but I also want to be remembered for all the different aspects of my personality. The
good, the bad, and the ugly, as they say.
This story is written basically as a first draft, and as
such, there will be rambling sentences, bad grammar, way too many commas,
quotation marks, parenthesis, and past-present-future tenses all jumbled
together, into the same paragraph, and sometimes even in the same
sentence. I write as I speak… open mouth, insert foot. Usually I don't know what I'm gonna say,
until after I hear myself say it.
- - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
As I walked into the McDonald's next to the gas station, I
was greeted by someone who I thought had long ago died. It was a life-sized Elvis statue, right in
the middle of the dining area. Pretty
funny. We had a nice conversation,
mostly about the dramatic decline in the character of a lot of the recent music
stars of the day… Britney Spears was one of the names he brought up. I decided to cut him some slack, and not
remind him that his own past wasn't completely untarnished.
Yes, I was having a conversation with a statue. My mind never stops turning, and I have found
that if I try to silence my thoughts, they only get louder. Besides, I was gonna be alone for the better
part of the next two weeks, and I decided it would not be a bad thing for me to
get to know my selves a little better along the way. That reminds me, I haven't really explained
the title of this story yet.
I have always had
conversations with myself. Ever since I
was a child, I felt there were several distinctly different personalities
inside me. I've never worried about it…
in fact, I've been grateful and nurturing towards them. Most of them don't seem to fit into the
mainstream of the world I live in, so I've learned to try to limit the 'off the
wall' things that come across my mind.
I've always said… "Even when I'm alone, I have someone to talk
to," or… "I talk to myself because no one else listens to
me." In any case, the people who
know me can attest to how many different Neds there are. Most of the Neds are pretty good guys, so my
real friends are tolerant of the ones who aren't quite as nice.
- - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
By the time I went thru Snowflake (north eastern Arizona)… got to Show Low… and
turned east on Hwy 60, it was about 11am and I had dropped about 3,000 feet in
elevation. My body had finally thawed,
but when I got off the bike for my stretch and cigarette, I noticed how warm it
really was. It must've been close to 80
degrees! At least it felt that way after
being frozen to the bone for the first couple hours that morning.
I went into the MMGS (that stands for mini mart gas station,
remember that, you'll see it again… and again) to use their restroom to change
my clothes. It was about the size of a
closet… a very small closet. Not nearly
enough leg and elbow-room for me to remove all the layers I needed to take off,
to get to my long underwear. There was
no choice… I was gonna hafta to do a strip
tease outside in the parking lot.
Fortunately, as I have said and as you are likely beginning
to understand… I am not shy. I causally
and as nonchalantly as possible… removed every single piece of clothing from my
body except my underwear, cotton socks, and sunglasses. It felt great. I guess I have to admit that I'm a little on
the other side of not shy.
Two of the phrases I use to describe me are; 'look
at me, look at me,' and; 'I like to hide in plain sight.' The only bad thing about exposing myself in public was that I didn't see one person notice
me while I was doing it. Rats. All that time working out in the gym was
going for naught.
I thought about having another cigarette and loitering there for a while, but thought
better of it. It would be perfectly
acceptable behavior in Santa Cruz… the surfers do it all the time… but I wasn't
sure what the proper protocol was, here in the middle of the high desert in
eastern Arizona, and it would've put me behind schedule if I had been detained
or perhaps arrested.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was excited to get
back on the open road with Honey, but sad to be leaving the emotional warmth,
comfort, and security I feel with Taumie and her Fam. Sometimes I get sad because I'm not very
close to my two brothers that live in the same town as me, but when I'm with
Taumie (or my sister Jackie) and their families, I feel happy that at least I
have that feeling of true love, understanding, and total acceptance, which is
to me… what family is supposed to be all about.
Don't get me wrong,
Bev, Don, and I totally love each other, it's just that neither of them is able
to outwardly express it the way I need it to be expressed. It's like food or water for me… nourishment
for my soul. I'm kinda 'weak' like that
I guess. I know I shouldn't be dependent
on anyone else to make me feel worthy.
And it's not really like that… I'm having trouble expressing my feelings
here…
Let me try to explain
it this way: Out of respect, I won't go
into any details, but I can tell you that about 20 years ago, Donnie (my twin)
was deeply injured, emotionally. Ever
since then he has closed off a part of himself.
Although I have noticed a change in the last few years, not
coincidentally I'm sure… about the same time as he purchased his motorcycle… he
has been more outwardly expressive with his feelings.
My older brother Bev
is also the type who 'holds his cards tightly to his chest.' I don't know if he was injured as well, but
neither of them wears their heart where I do… on my sleeve. Both of them have told me that they… and
these are MY words, NOT theirs… both of them feel like they'd lose control if
they allowed themselves to become outwardly emotional. Whereas I, on the other hand, feel like I
would explode if I didn't. I know we
love each other very deeply and truly, it's just that I get more of the emotion
that I need from our sister's side of my family.
I'm sure it's the Mars
- Venus thing… I've always said that I've felt more in touch with my feminine
side than a lot of girls I know. I am
emotional. I laugh loudly and fully, and
I cry deeply and sincerely. I inherited
an empathetic aspect to my personality from my Mom… sometimes I can literally
FEEL other peoples' feelings. I call it
a blessing and a curse. In any case,
there is a kind of absolute fulfillment that I get from being around my sister
and her families that I do not get from my brothers.
That's still not an
accurate description of what I'm trying to say, but if I'm gonna finish this
story, I’m gonna hafta move on now.
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