My relaxed feeling of hope for finding true happiness would
have to wait. When I got back on the
road, the winds had picked up dramatically.
They were blowing almost as hard as they had in West Texas. When one of the gusts almost knocked me off
the road, I shook myself awake, and got my mind back on reality. It was like the gods where telling me to stop
'pipe-dreaming' about 'love' and pay
attention to what I was doing.
Life is not always
like a storybook. Fairy tale endings do
not happen to everyone. Circumstances
have dealt me a life that has been a tease.
I thought I had found my soul mate when I married Mimi… then again with
Ann. Now my hope that Donna was going to
fill that 'void' in me was…
BOOM… the wind slapped me in the face and reminded me that
most likely, my mistakes with her were going to be enough to keep me from
experiencing the happiness I was dreaming of.
I had had my chances. Why should
I expect to be rewarded now… this late in my life? It would be easier for me emotionally, if I
accepted the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
I made my selves remember that there was still a lot of
enjoyment a man like me could experience.
No one else can bring me happiness… it must come from inside me… I will
never be able to make someone else happy, until I am happy already… all these silly clichés were bouncing around in my head, when all of a
sudden…
WHAAMMO… the wind hit me again… hard… but this time from the
opposite direction as the last time!
WAKE UP NED!… STOP DAYDREAMING! You can feel sorry for your selves later.
The next 15~20 miles were probably the most difficult riding
conditions of the entire adventure. The
winds were gusting to at least 50mph, and to make it even worse, the low-lying
hilly terrain was causing the wind to swirl, and hit me from different
directions. One moment I was being
pushed to the left, and then the next second, to the right. To say it was unnerving was an
understatement. The fragile and delicate thought of finding love and living happily ever
after, had been shattered.
I was determined not to shatter (and scatter) Honey and my
own body parts all over this highway. My
vision quest would not be as much fun
if it was being done from a hospital bed, with tubes and machines keeping me alive. Time to focus on the real world…
I didn't need to go poddy or get gas, so I found a semi
truck-trailer to park next to, to block the wind while I had a cigarette. I went thru my routine of stretches, twists,
and bends, and noticed my shoulders were starting to burn again, but welcomed
the distraction of the discomfort as a not so gentle reminder to keep my
attention on the task at hand, and
not let my mind wander back off into la-la
land. I still had quite a few miles
to go that day.
I looked at the time on my phone and then at the odometer on
Honey, and smiled. They both said the
same thing. Three-thirty-three. I decided to let my mind wander… after all… I
was parked safely and resting, and… this
was not a race.
I like it when 'synchronicity' comes out of
life's 'chaos.' I've always been a
numbers guy. There's something secure
and calming about them. I guess it's
their consistency and inherently dependable nature. It's always given me a comforting feeling to
know that some things can be explained in a rational, scientific manner.
Yet another example of
how many different aspects I have to my selves.
I had just forced one of my selves to stop it's enjoyable, albeit
melancholy daydreaming of esoteric love, and now I was feeling happy to be grounded
in a firmly three-dimensional thought process.
I've never tried to count the different selves within me, but my guess
is that the number is in double digits.
I'm not sure if I've
mentioned this yet, but I've always felt happy to have multiple person-alities. I normally do not enjoy being alone, and
having someone to talk to when I am alone makes me feel better.
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